YouTube

I never had a problem with the word "buffer" before YouTube. Now, it makes me want to fly things against the nearest wall, with every ounce of strength imaginable, to ensure maximum destruction. Hey YouTube, go fuck yourself. And then go buffer yourself too, while you're at it.

Memo Writing

The person who invented "memos" deserves to be pelted with waterballoons filled with natto juice. The attorney I work with asked me this morning if I preferred a "letter or a memo". I asked him, "what's the difference to you?" since I know attorneys have very different views on the world. He said he didn't care, but his boss did. So fine. I said, "memo", since memos in my head are shorter and easier to write, and hell, you don't have to sign them.

Seriously, the things I have to spend brainpower considering throughout the day are actually rotting my brain from the inside out. The world would be much more productive if the answer could always be "I don't care. You decide". And they did.

Life

Sometimes it just feels like life has bent you over a table, and is fucking you with a gigantic strap-on.

I'm Buddhist, so I'm supposed to believe in karma. I would classify myself as a semi-believer. Were I to believe in it fully, I'd end up going round and round and round, spinning myself into an endless line of "this happened because this happened but that happened because that happened, and now that I was a total bitch the other day, I can surely expect a round of dumb assholeness to come my way soon."

No. That's not how I roll.

I believe in fate, to a point. But I do believe that life, for the most part, is unfair. Dumb people have smart people covering for them all over the world, at this very moment. Assholes find perfectly nice, sane people to mate with. Tons of the best jobs are being done right now by some of the biggest slackers. Lotteries are often won by those that don't need any extra money. The world enables the dumbest, most selfish people, and smiles while screwing hardworking, truly nice people up the ass with no lube.

I'm not talking about me. No one would accuse me of being "truly nice". But I do try. I do a fair amount of self-reflection, and I've done a fair amount of self-flagellation for past wrongs. I've paid for a ton of sins. And I have gotten away with a fair amount, as well. But I see shitheads getting away with far more, with far less consequences. There's one thing I hate above all: selfish people who are always out for themselves. These are the people who will succeed in life. Life enables these douchebags. And the sooner we all realize it, the sooner we can all stop being surprised.

Gigantic tantrums and abused moms

I was never one of those people that cast judgment upon hapless parents trying to control their precious darlings in Wal Mart, or an airplane. I may be one impatient bitch with a very low tolerance for stupid people, but I have lots of empathy for (good) parents.

Today, as I was carrying my 3 year old, 28lb son in a feeble attempt to control his wailing and flailing, I don't know what I would have thought if I saw me. He was kicking me in the thighs, screaming, and finally...he hit me. An open-hand slap to my left cheek. After his tiny hand made contact with my face, he looked at me with the full knowledge of what he had just done. That was the worst part.

I wanted to kick his ass.

But, being that we were in Wal Mart, and there are a lot of judgmental assholes who are against spanking nowdays, I had to settle for giving him the look of death that I usually reserve for my boss, and pinch his thigh.

I contemplated ditching my one item (new earphones for my iPod) and leaving. But that would just piss me off more, having to leave without the one thing I wanted for myself for today. So I endured one more slap to my head, more kicking, more judgmental looks, and sympathy from the lady in front of me in line.

He's still sitting in time-out an hour later, and he is forbidden to watch tv or have snacks. But at least I have my earphones to drown out his wailing.

Non fully-functioning adults

I fucking hate helpless people. Or maybe I should say that I hate people who act helpless. While I do understand that there are people with emotional and/or physical problems who can't do certain things, there seem to be tons of people who choose not to take care of their own shit, and manage to fool others into taking care of shit for them. Those people piss me off.

I am the first to complain about being an adult, but it doesn't make me stop being one (though I wish everyday that I could switch places with my son, and have him wipe my ass for once).

The Camry was invented for the driving-impaired

It never fails. I get onto the freeway at the butt-crack of dawn, and merge into the carpool lane...only to get stuck behind a slow-ass silver Camry. I swear, more often than not, the people who don't know how to function on the freeway are driving silver Camrys. I've had lots of people tell me, "it's because they're old", but I promise you, that's not always the case. 50 is not old.

Camry drivers are my people. If there were statistics of the race of people who buy Camrys, I'd bet my Coffee Bean privileges that at least 60% of them are Japanese. So I do feel a tiny twinge of guilt as I speed past them (at 55 mph) and give them the glare of death. But come on - passing someone at 55 mph on the freeway means they are driving like 43. YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS DRIVING IN THE FAST LANE!

Unfortunately, it doesn't only happen on the freeway. Silver Camry drivers are also known to try to merge into you, change lanes right in front of you, turn without looking, and all the other fucking things people do to piss you off on the road.

Beware the silver Camry. You'll thank me later.

Ignore the elevator button, it might push itself

People who get distracted by their cel phones and don't notice that they failed to push the elevator button are stupid. But they do make me laugh. And they also make me wonder how long they'd stand there waiting before they noticed that they never pushed the button.

In fact, people who get overly distracted by their cel phones are irritating as a whole. I just love getting stuck behind the slow-walking jackass who just cannot WAIT to announce to their friends that they're "checking in" at the third manhole cover by the crosswalk on King St. They want to be mayor, after all.

Move, bitch! Get out of my way!

Thing that piss me off

That's what I really wanted to name my blog. Of course it was taken. Why wouldn't it be? After all, the Washington Post or some other "reputable" news outlet reported that angry people were more popular on Facebook. I can attest to that - I think lots of people are friends with me just to see what kind of random rant I'm going to post today...or if I managed to zip my pants.

So I might as well tell you what pisses me off. Today, it's people who have the world's lax-est job, and cannot understand people who have actual fucking work to do. "Let's have coffee in the morning" "I can't, I have a conference call." "What? You can't make time to sit around for no reason other than crappy ass coffee at Starbucks with me since I don't have to drag my overpaid ass into the office until somewhere around 10?"

Ugh. Just....shut up. And go away.