Homework

Monkey started homework today.  First of all, I don't remember having homework in kindergarten.  Of course, I don't remember much from kindergarten, but I am 90% sure that homework was not like this.  There are folders.  With prongs.  There are lists.  In childish fonts.  There are schedules!  For a five year old!  

After dinner, Monkey and I sat down to tackle his first assignments.  Math consisted of tracing numbers  (thank Buddha, that's math I can do).  ABCs took a lot more time than I thought it would.  There was once a time that I thought I could/would teach.  So I entered the School of Education after graduating with my BA, and boy, was that a rude awakening.  Whatever my calling in life, teaching was definitely not it.  Dashed were my dreams of free summers, holidays, and breaks.

Halfway through tracing the letter M over and over, my phone rang with a work issue.  Which led to me having to check my email and then send out some stuff.  Before I started homework with Monkey, I had to shut off Disney Junior, to his disappointment.  (He claimed he just wanted to "listen to it, not watch", but he hasn't heard of multi-tasking yet.)  Once I got on the phone, it was all, "who's that who's that who's that, WHO IS THAT MOMMY?".  Which got Disney Junior turned back on.  You know what else got turned on after that?  Parental guilt.

And by the way, we didn't finish the homework.  FML.

Mail

I hate the post office.  I hate mailing stuff.  And most of all, I hate buying stamps.  When I was young, my dad would keep stamps in a tiny coffee can he kept on his desk.  He would keep those little silica gel packets to keep moisture out, since in those days, stamps had that lick-adhesive.  Stamps were also 20 cents back then.

I would write letters to my pen pals, then I would sneak a stamp from his stash, and mail it.  It's a little hard for me to comprehend a roll of 100 stamps being $20, but that's what it was back then.  And I loved to write letters, so I'd run through my dad's stash quickly, especially during the summer.  But he never complained.  He'd just buy more stamps.  He never even complained when he'd need to mail something (and he wrote letters as often as I did), and the stamps would be gone.

Today I had to buy stamps for a mass mailout.  350 stamps, to be exact.  Which cost me about $165.  My eyes nearly fell out of my head, since math is not my strong suit.  I didn't even bother estimating what it was going to cost me.

I don't understand the post office.  I don't understand why some people take so long at the counter.  And I really don't understand when people pack their shit at the post office, waiting until they get to the counter.  Me, I take my box there to be mailed, all ready to go.  By the time I get to the counter, it takes all of 2 minutes to mail my shit and get the hell out of there.  And that line is ALWAYS long.

But at any rate, whenever I have to buy stamps, I am reminded of that little coffee can on my dad's desk, always ready with a 20 cent stamp for me.  Now I have to buy my own stamps, and man does that shit suck.

Speakerphone

The best thing ever was when Nextel's stupid irritating walkie-talkie shit stopped being cool. That annoying beep-beep noise when someone was being paged via Nextel made me want to toss rocks at people. And it's virtually impossible to have a soft speakerphone conversation. Why? Because talking with someone via speakerphone either makes you deaf, or makes every noise around you louder, so you have to yell into the phone. And of course, you have to crank the volume up to max, because you can't hear a goddamn word the other person is saying.

I've never understood speakerphone. Even at home, I don't get it. You can't hear them, they can't hear you. Why the fuck do people use it? A better question: why the fuck do people use it in crowded coffee shops or restaurants?!

YouTube

I never had a problem with the word "buffer" before YouTube. Now, it makes me want to fly things against the nearest wall, with every ounce of strength imaginable, to ensure maximum destruction. Hey YouTube, go fuck yourself. And then go buffer yourself too, while you're at it.

Memo Writing

The person who invented "memos" deserves to be pelted with waterballoons filled with natto juice. The attorney I work with asked me this morning if I preferred a "letter or a memo". I asked him, "what's the difference to you?" since I know attorneys have very different views on the world. He said he didn't care, but his boss did. So fine. I said, "memo", since memos in my head are shorter and easier to write, and hell, you don't have to sign them.

Seriously, the things I have to spend brainpower considering throughout the day are actually rotting my brain from the inside out. The world would be much more productive if the answer could always be "I don't care. You decide". And they did.

Life

Sometimes it just feels like life has bent you over a table, and is fucking you with a gigantic strap-on.

I'm Buddhist, so I'm supposed to believe in karma. I would classify myself as a semi-believer. Were I to believe in it fully, I'd end up going round and round and round, spinning myself into an endless line of "this happened because this happened but that happened because that happened, and now that I was a total bitch the other day, I can surely expect a round of dumb assholeness to come my way soon."

No. That's not how I roll.

I believe in fate, to a point. But I do believe that life, for the most part, is unfair. Dumb people have smart people covering for them all over the world, at this very moment. Assholes find perfectly nice, sane people to mate with. Tons of the best jobs are being done right now by some of the biggest slackers. Lotteries are often won by those that don't need any extra money. The world enables the dumbest, most selfish people, and smiles while screwing hardworking, truly nice people up the ass with no lube.

I'm not talking about me. No one would accuse me of being "truly nice". But I do try. I do a fair amount of self-reflection, and I've done a fair amount of self-flagellation for past wrongs. I've paid for a ton of sins. And I have gotten away with a fair amount, as well. But I see shitheads getting away with far more, with far less consequences. There's one thing I hate above all: selfish people who are always out for themselves. These are the people who will succeed in life. Life enables these douchebags. And the sooner we all realize it, the sooner we can all stop being surprised.

Gigantic tantrums and abused moms

I was never one of those people that cast judgment upon hapless parents trying to control their precious darlings in Wal Mart, or an airplane. I may be one impatient bitch with a very low tolerance for stupid people, but I have lots of empathy for (good) parents.

Today, as I was carrying my 3 year old, 28lb son in a feeble attempt to control his wailing and flailing, I don't know what I would have thought if I saw me. He was kicking me in the thighs, screaming, and finally...he hit me. An open-hand slap to my left cheek. After his tiny hand made contact with my face, he looked at me with the full knowledge of what he had just done. That was the worst part.

I wanted to kick his ass.

But, being that we were in Wal Mart, and there are a lot of judgmental assholes who are against spanking nowdays, I had to settle for giving him the look of death that I usually reserve for my boss, and pinch his thigh.

I contemplated ditching my one item (new earphones for my iPod) and leaving. But that would just piss me off more, having to leave without the one thing I wanted for myself for today. So I endured one more slap to my head, more kicking, more judgmental looks, and sympathy from the lady in front of me in line.

He's still sitting in time-out an hour later, and he is forbidden to watch tv or have snacks. But at least I have my earphones to drown out his wailing.